Sick of It

Jun 12 2011 4:27 PM

I feel like I can’t write anymore, like I can’t do anything smart anymore, just regular work. Like school wasn’t all that useful.

I know it’s not true, though. Thesis class in my last year proved that. I wrote plenty of papers. And I still do have an imagination. It creeps up on me at work, in the shower, as I fall asleep—when I’m not paying attention. Outrageous fragments of stories start to construct themselves. Then I pay attention again and it slides away. So I know somewhere I do have creativity. It’s just not something I seem to tap into much.

That needs to change. I need my own thoughts, my own projects. I can’t be stuck reading everything interesting on the internet all the time. Sometimes I just need to turn it down and think. Otherwise, all these thoughts, ideas, and opinions from outside leap in and make themselves at home. I always feel clouded, not clear headed. So when, not so often, I have a moment of lucidity, it’s amazing.

I know the only way to fix this is to slow down, limit myself, write, work on it and keep working on it. So I’ll try to write more original stuff.

I’m just afraid of doing mental hard work, really. Just look at this to do list.

6-12-2011 TeuxDeux list with three item highlighted

Those three have been on there in some form or another for a longggg long time. I’ve been avoiding them because they mean mental work. I’m not exactly sure why I’m so afraid of that, but I sure am.

I finally got so sick of it that I drew up a little sketch of a Providence website redesign during church.

the aforementioned sketch

It’s not really much, but I was actually amazed that I did it. I just decided to do it and out came a fresh take on it. A basic, crappy little take, but SOMETHING. That simple act was immensely satisfying.

My church is doing a parenting class during sunday school time. Today was more on laziness.

The sluggard says, “There is a lion in the road!
There is a lion in the streets!”
As a door turns on its hinges,
so does a sluggard on his bed.
The sluggard buries his hand in the dish;
it wears him out to bring it back to his mouth.
The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes
than seven men who can answer sensibly.

I can’t deny that’s me: making irrational excuses, staying in bed, sitting around. There’s plenty I can do to change, though. Destroy my to do list. Sleep healthy. Read the Bible every day. Even though it’s discouraging sometimes, the disciplined life is x1000 more rewarding than being a lazy fool.